We’ve been looking at the topic of biblical communication. Too many Christian marriages, churches and families are plagued by poor, unbiblical and ungodly communication. We began last week by seeing that God Himself is a communicator. He wishes to share Himself with us. For that reason, we can expect that He wants us to communicate properly as well. That is the case.
The Bible is filled with instruction on how to communicate. We saw, however, our Lord said that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. Therefore, we need a heart change first, or else all we will do is communicate ungodliness to one another. We saw that heart change is made up of wanting to please God first, wanting to humble ourselves before God and others to maintain unity, and wanting to have a good communicative relationship with God.
Having said that, we defined communication as active listening, godly speaking and common understanding. Active listening is not waiting to talk. It is concentrating on what another is saying, without interrupting, without formulating your own replies, without assigning meanings to the words of the other person, but asking for clarification, responding appropriately, allowing for time to respond, and even making sure your body language reflects the desire to listen.
Godly speaking
Well, we then move on to godly speaking. Scripture has no lack of advice on how to speak to one another. Before even speaking, the Bible warns us of the power of our words
Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
James 3:3-8
Everyone know the forces of destruction are swifter and more powerful than the forces of construction. It takes hours of painstaking work to build something – whereas you can destroy that same thing in a few seconds. The same is true with the tongue. A relationship built over years can be destroyed in a few minutes with harsh, destructive words. Years of encouraging and building someone up can be undone with a few words.
A man’s reputation, built up with years of honest work, can be soiled by just a few ugly words. Indeed, though sticks and stones inflict great pain, their hurt will fade away, but just one sharp and biting word, brings harm that comes to stay. As we approach the topic of godly speaking, we must do so knowing the great power of our words.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” says Solomon in Proverbs 18:21. That verse does not mean, as some have taught, that your words can speak reality into existence. It means your words can build up or destroy another person. Whatever you say will always harm or heal. So many relationships are destroyed by years of little comments, little foxes that spoil the vines, as the Song of Solomon puts it.
Since our words have power to heal or harm, we must seek to guard our lips. Proverbs 21:23 says, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” 1 Peter 3:10 says, “For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile.”
Trouble and strife will follow you all the days of your life if you do not seek to guard what you say. David said in Psalm 141:3: “Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.” David did not see an uncontrolled mouth as a sign of strength, as some seem to do. Rather, he prayed for a mouth whose words would first have to be checked by a guard before they had permission to leave.
How many of us have words that we wish we had never said. Sadly, once they’re out there, and have done their damage, the best we can hope for is the medicine of forgiveness from the other person. However, the scars often remain. Worse, we give the enemy a memory to exploit for the purpose of producing bitterness. How much better to control what comes out in the first place! We must also know that one day, we will have to give an account for all we have said:
But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
Matthew 12:36-37
The pre-requisites for godly speech are the same as we saw in Part 1 of this series. We must have a desire to please God and others more than self. No one will speak that which is edifying to his neighbour, if self sits on the throne. Secondly, we must be humble. No proud person ever spoke words that glorified God and truly brought health and lasting good to their neighbour.
And thirdly, we must be in communication with God. One who is praying and studying Scripture will be speaking words in line with their Father’s heart. Out of the heart, man speaks – so we need a heart change if we want a speech change. However, with that in place, let us see how the Bible defines godly speech.
- Godly speech is truthful
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.” And Proverbs 6:16-17 says, “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue…”
Truthful speech. Truth is simply reality. It is what is. Truth is an absolute – it is the facts as they are. Speaking the truth simply means reporting what is, as it is. Now, we tend to think of ourselves as really honest. But how often, and in how many different forms, do we exhibit untruthful speech? Sometimes it can be an outright lie. ‘Did you remember our anniversary?’ ‘Of course!’ Then we console ourselves that we had good motives or reasons for our lie, which makes it okay.
Outright lies are to have no place in a Christian’s vocabulary. But what about another form of lying– a half truth? Remember Abraham told king Abimilech that his wife was actually his sister? Well, it was partially true – she was his half-sister. But it was not honest with the facts – that she was his wife. He told a half-truth to protect himself.
‘Why do you keep coming home so late?’ ‘Oh, there’s a lot of work at the office.’ That is true, but it’s not all true. Perhaps he is staying to later to surf the Internet and look at things he shouldn’t. We tell half-truths when we deliberately conceal facts that are pertinent to what we are being asked. We tell the truth about certain things, but by purposefully hiding other facts, we change the entire meaning of what we are communicating. Half-truths are not truths at all – they are examples of lying.
Another example of lying is evading the truth. Remember Cain? God asked him where Abel was, and he replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” What was he doing? Evading the truth. Diverting, changing the subject. If a someone is asked about something on an accountability issue, evasion means turning the tables, asking the person why they think they are so holy, or bringing up side issues, things from the past, blame-shifting. Evading the issue is an example of being untruthful.
A fourth example of lying very common to our lips is exaggeration. Saul was a master at exaggerating his plight. Even Elijah was guilty of exaggeration when claiming that he alone was serving God. Too often, the simple exaggerations in daily life corrupt our speech with untruthfulness. Saying things like, ‘You’re always making us late’ or ‘You never show any sensitivity to my feelings’ are exaggerations.
The fact is – using words like ‘always,’ ‘every time,’ ‘all the time,’ ‘never,’ and ‘nothing’ are superlatives – words which express the highest degree of something. It is simply untrue that a person makes another late 100% of every single incident in life. It is not true that the other person has never shown any sensitivity of any kind at any time. Now, there may be very little, and it seems like none at all, but exaggeration is simply a way of using force to make a point.
By exaggerating, we try to make our point larger than it is, to make the argument more forceful and powerful. Unfortunately, exaggerations do more harm than good. The person hearing them knows they are not true, and disputes it. Now, the argument becomes over the fact that you used the word ‘always’ when it’s not always. Untruthfulness has entered the situation, and now there is distrust.
If the person you are communicating with does not seem to handle the facts responsibly, then there can be no good communication. We need to trust that the other person will report the facts accurately, so that we can have a real flow of information, and reach a point of understanding. Truthfulness is the bedrock of good communication.
- Godly speech is focused
When Jesus spoke to people, He did not dither around a point, divert, bring up side issues. He said what He meant, and He meant what He said. He had purpose in His speech.
Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
Colossians 4:6
Our speech must always have a clear goal in mind. Damage is done by people using their words simply as time-fillers, trying to fill uncomfortable gaps of silence, or generally like a mindless sports commentator pointing out how the wind is blowing. When our words do not have a point, they will all too quickly go the route of becoming dangerous.
What motives should we have when speaking? Well, we’ve already mentioned that: the foundation of biblical communication is to seek to please God more than self. Colossians 3:17 says, “And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.” In my speech, I must seek to honour God. I am to do all things to glorify God. Now consider how this will work itself out in daily communication.
It means, firstly, in sporting terms – I play the ball, not the man. I attack the problem, not the person. Two people may be disagreeing on the budget. Being focused means we stick to the topic of how to be good stewards of our money. If we lose sight of that, words like ‘You’re wasting our money’ and ‘Why are you so stingy?’ start to pop up. Pretty soon, we’re attacking the person, not the problem.
Conflicts can be resolved when we have the same focus – to please God in the situation, and remain focused on what we are discussing. Here is also where active listening comes in.
Secondly, being focused helps you to act, not react, to each other. If all you do is respond to each other, then depending on how emotional you are at the time, it can be a one-way street to conflict. You just get more and more annoyed as you respond to each other’s statements, defending your reputation as it seems to come under fire.
The more you get annoyed, the more you react, and the spiral gets worse. If you have a common focus, it enables you to remain under control and stick to the issue at hand. “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger,”says Proverbs 15:1. I can give a soft answer if I am acting, not reacting. Don’t react to feelings, act on what will please God and help the other person.
Thirdly, consider that if my communication is focused and purposeful, I will seek to only heal and build the person I am speaking to, never harm them.
Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.” There is a kind of speech that is like being stabbed in the gut with a blade. Harsh, unkind words, seeking to score points, exalt myself, belittle the other person, blame them for what is wrong, humble them, push them down – these are words which James says should never happen.
How can the same tongue bless God on Sunday, and then be unkind to our spouse? How can the same tongue sing, ‘How Great Thou Art’ and then break down a fellow believer? The forces of destruction are always swifter, easier and more powerful than the forces of construction. You can undo with one remark what you have been building with years of godly words.
If I am focused, I will not let rip with words, simply because my pride is injured, or I feel like I am losing in this conversation. No, I will see there is a nobler task here – to exalt God with godly speech, and to build up my neighbour. Do you see how vital the heart is? If I am not humble, if I am not seeking to please God first, this will be impossible.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Ephesians 4:29
Fourthly, being focused helps you to focus on solutions. When something needs to be discussed, or there is a conflict – we are seeking to find a solution, not to win the argument. We seek to resolve the conflict for the purpose of God-glorifying unity in the home or church, not to come out looking like the intelligent, strong one. We seek to solve the situation, work towards goals, rather than being focused on reputation.
This does not mean we become cold and clinical in our approach to each other. I’ve heard the phrase, ‘It’s not who’sright, it’s what’s right’ used to justify being indifferent to people’s feelings. That’s not what we mean. It just means we seek to focus on the issue, and solve it with focused, purposeful communication. So Christlike communication is truthful, and focused.
- Godly speech is clear
Proverbs 10:19 tells us, “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” The more words spoken, the greater the margin for error. Rambling, talking all around a topic, and saying irrelevant things, are examples of unclear communication. Another example of unclear communication is trying to use hints and indirect loaded statements instead of communicating what you want to say.
Certainly, sometimes you ought not to say anything, but saying, “Oh, it looks like there is a sale on” is not the same as saying “There’s a sale, and I’d like to go and shop there.” We might think this is inconsequential, but too many people live on dropping hints, and then complaining how insensitive their spouse is for never figuring out those hints.
Another example of unclear communication is the use of manipulative tactics. For instance, saying things like, ‘I’m not telling you, you’re supposed to know!’ or ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I’m feeling right now.’ That adds no clarity to communication, it just muddies the water with blame, guilt and anger.
Manipulative tactics are simply a selfish way of controlling another person. The person who frequently uses silent treatment or a cold shoulder does so because that is their way of controlling the other person. By withholding love, affection and even recognition, they hold the other person emotionally hostage. They force the other person to concede to them – to come to them for reconciliation or peace-making.
This is a way of making sure they always remain in the driver’s seat in a relationship – it’s a slow form of murder. Killing another person with hatred, till they buckle and give in to you. That’s not communication – that’s not love. That’s not the clear, purposeful, truthful communication Christ expects.
Instead, it’s a selfish control – the one-sided twisting of another human to behave the way we want them to. Using such tactics is declaring war against communication in a relationship – it is stating you do not want to communicate in humility with sharing, vulnerability and confession of faults. It means you want to control.
No, communication must be clear. How do we communicate clearly? First, pray about what you are going to say. Ask God for wisdom. Make sure you run your words before the throne of God, and see if He is pleased with them. Second, think carefully about what needs to be said – not what you want to say. Think about how you can best say it to heal and not harm the other person.
Proverbs 15:28 says, “The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.” So there ought to be careful thought given to our answers – not reactions. Then speak concisely – put a premium on your words. Realise the more you speak, the more chance of error. Remember to choose silence over unnecessary speech. When you have nothing important or healthy to add, keep quiet.
He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.
Proverbs 17:27-18
Speaking clearly involves some of the things we have mentioned. Don’t exaggerate, divert, bring up side-issues, blame or attack the person or the past. Be truthful. Christ put it beautifully when He said in Matthew 5:37: “But let your communication be, ‘Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.’” As the saying goes, say what you mean, and mean what you say.
A helpful way of making sure communication remains clear is to clarify misunderstanding with questions. Ask, ‘Is this what you mean when you say…?’ See, sometimes, when someone says, ‘That’s weird’ what they mean is, ‘that’s funny.’ However, I may interpret it to mean, ‘That’s stupid or foolish.’ Sometimes, it helps to clear up things by finding out what the other one means when they use certain phrases, words or sentences.
Remember we said active listening does not assign or interpret a meaning beyond the words. So to remain clear, we must ask what the other person means, rather than assuming our interpretation is correct.
A fourth aspect of biblical communication is that it ought to well-timed. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Not only the right thing needs to be said in the right way, but it needs to be said at the right time. Timely communication is so important. Bringing up hugely important personal issues when someone is very tired, or frustrated, is not wise. Indeed, to do so when someone is hungry is also not wise!
While it might sound humorous, choosing to discuss things when someone is hungry can often lead to impatience, edginess, and frayed tempers. When someone is tired, cold, hot, angry, hungry, frustrated, uncomfortable, in pain or even a little down – be cautious about bringing up issues that require a lot of level-headedness and patience to deal with.
However, on the other end of the scale, do not indefinitely postpone what needs to be discussed. It will not go away by itself. Sin never gets better if not dealt with, it always gets worse. As soon as it is wise to discuss something, do it.
Timely communication also means allowing enough time for a fair and honest conversation. Throwing a remark at someone when they are leaving for work, or about to go somewhere, or go to sleep, is unfair and inappropriate. Do not try to use a time when someone will be distracted. However, there is a point when a person needs to be asked to switch off the TV or look up from their screen, so communication can take place.
Be wise and sensitive to the person’s state, to the amount of time both of you will need to communicate, and then choose a suitable time if there is a conflict you need to resolve. In everyday life, seek to be appropriate with all you say. When wanting to say something that would not heal, just don’t say it.
In Part 3 of this series on biblical communication, we’ll continue to look at godly speech, and then common understanding.