Imagine a world without misunderstandings. Such a world would probably have half the conflict, much less wasted time and effort, and generally achieve much more. Misunderstanding is a result of poor communication. We’ve been looking at the topic of biblical communication in Parts 1 and 2 of this series.
So far, we’ve seen the basic premise of God-pleasing communication is that there must be a change of heart, or else all we will be doing is learning how to more effectively communicate our selfishness to others. So we started by pointing out that there needs to be a commitment to please God more than self in our communication.
We also saw that there needs to be humility in our hearts – wanting to prefer another before ourselves. We added that a person’s communication with God is the only thing that will ultimately change their hearts to be people who sacrificially love their neighbours. We then defined communication as active listening, godly speech and common understanding.
Active listening is not passive. It concentrates on what is being said without interrupting, formulating answers or assigning meanings. It asks for clarification where necessary, and allows time for the other person to speak.
In examining godly speech, we saw godly speech is truthful. It does not tell lies or half-truths, evade the truth or exaggerate. We saw it is focused. It has a goal, and so does not divert, bring up side issues, or attack the person instead of the problem. We also saw godly speech is clear. It agrees on mutual definitions so that the meaning is shared. It prays and thinks carefully about what it will say, it says it concisely.
Fourthly, we saw godly speech is well-timed. It does not postpone, nor does it rush – it chooses the right time, and allows for enough time to communicate effectively. Let’s continue now with more characteristics of biblical, God-pleasing speech.
- Godly speech is purifying
Godly speech does not corrupt another person’s mind or pollute them in any way. Listen to this instruction in Ephesians:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Ephesians 5:25-27
God compares the husband to Christ and the church, and points out that the husband’s love is to be self-sacrificial like Christ, but it should also be a purifying love. It is to cause more holiness, more consecration, more purity. Men ought to guard the mental purity of their wives and children, and act as a buffer against mentally defiling TV, social media, music, gossip, literature and so on. One very important way of maintaining this purity is in everyday speech.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Filthy innuendo, destructive criticism of others, murmuring and complaining about life are dark and sinful forms of communication. James warns us:
Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?
James 4:11-12
One must also watch the use of humour. Humour is a wonderful gift from God to be used to smooth out everyday life, to lighten and brighten it. However, like any gift, it can be corrupted.
But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.
Ephesians 5:3-4
The Greek word for foolish talking is literally ‘moron words’ – and it forbids both stupid, uncalled for speech, as well as joking that goes overboard. A foolish, uncontrolled use of humour no longer edifies, and therefore no longer purifies. Proverbs has words for the man who uses his humour foolishly:
As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death, so is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, ‘Am not I in sport?’”
Proverbs 26:18-19
See, the reckless man deceives and tricks, and then if things turn sour, says, ‘It’s no big deal – I was just playing with you!’ Too many people say harmful and foolish things, and then turn around and say, “I was only joking! Don’t be so serious!’ That way, they always absolve themselves of responsibility for ungodly speech. Instead, it becomes your problem for taking things so seriously. Being hurt or offended becomes your fault for not ‘enjoying their joke.’
This way, they have a handy shield to protect themselves from ever being accountable – it’s always just a joke – and those who hear it must always take it that way. But Proverbs compares such a person to a madman casting lethal arrows and firebrands that can set houses on fire. Their humour is uncontrolled and causes harm, not health. Godly humour will help and purify, never harm.
Another form of purifying speech is godly and honest praise. How little we praise each other. True praise is not flattery. Flattery is lying to another person to gain an advantage. It is saying untrue things to try and fool a person into liking and trusting you – so that you can get something from them. No, that is ungodly.
True praise is the unselfish glorifying of virtue in another person. How sadly lacking we are in praise for each other. How twisted we get with this as well – you hear parents saying, ‘If we praise them, they’ll get a big head.’ What nonsense. A lack of praise is often what causes pride, for the child resorts to self-love to make up for the coldness in their home. The Song of Songs is one long chorus of praise that two lovers have for each other.
Praise given in honesty and humility purifies the heart. Indeed, being able to receive and give true praise are important means of cleansing the heart of pride. Proverbs 27:21 says, “As the fining pot for silver, and the furnace for gold; so is a man to his praise.” See, praise can cause pride, but given in the right way, it causes the person to be thankful, not boastful.
Praise tests the heart to see if it will claim the praise as its own, or give thanks to God. That does not mean we must refuse to give praise, rather, we must learn to be good stewards of praise when it is received. Of course, the opposite of this purifying praise is the corrupting influence of boasting. Proverbs 27:12 says it all: “Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips.”
So it’s clear, praise from others is a good thing – but praising yourself is not. How tiring it is to be in the company of someone whose favourite subject is themselves. They are the hero in every one of their stories. All of us struggle with pride, and pride wants to boast – but purifying, God-honouring speech allows others to praise you, and does not beat them to it. One who sings their own praises will always be a soloist.
Beware of competing with others in your communication. How sad to see couples who are biblically fellow-heirs of the grace of life, instead jealous of each other, jostling for praise and recognition. So remember, godly speech is purifying.
- Godly speech is healthy
Health refers to vitality, life and a lack of sickness or weakness. Well, godly speech always works towards the health of the relationship. Proverbs 12:18 says, “the tongue of the wise is health” – it brings life. Godly speech not only purifies, it strengthens and helps.
This means a few things. It means avoiding a negative, critical spirit. Godly speech does not spend time enumerating the weaknesses of our loved ones and then telling them in gruesome detail. It does not criticise without an alternative option.
Being healthy means preventing sickness and dealing with it when it arises. For that reason, healthy speech is willing to address what is needful for the growth and health of the other person. It does not avoid necessary disagreements or confrontations, any more than a mother would avoid an infection in her child’s skin, simply because it’s uncomfortable. Proverbs 27:5-6 puts it well: “Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
Too many Christians secretly hate the idea of confrontation. So they simply avoid it, or make it everyone else’s responsibility to approach them first. The wounds of a friend are faithful – they are the wounds caused by a surgeon’s scalpel, not by an attacker’s knife.
A life-giving tongue will honestly confess its feelings, and discuss things the way we have described. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil.” There is a time to be angry at sin. However, anger is to have a time-limit. No one should go to bed angry. Time does not make things go away, nor does ignoring it, pretending it’s not a big deal, or hoping the other one will forget.
The life-giving tongue tackles problems appropriately, and is willing to sort through them till they are resolved. It avoids the sins of anger because it communicates clearly, purposefully, honestly, and appropriately, and it listens actively. Ephesians 4:31-32 should be memorised by all believers:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
A healthy tongue will also take its share of the blame when necessary, and apologise for wrongdoings. It seeks forgiveness, and grants it. James 5:16 tells us “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.” Nothing is worse than the stubborn and self-righteous heart of the fool, who is always right in their own eyes. Communication dies when one person will never take their share of the blame.
Someone I know has earned himself a reputation of not being able to say sorry, or admit he was wrong. Consequently, many people who know him have simply given up trying to truly convince him he is wrong, since they feel it is futile. Communication with him has died on many levels. Sadly, for him, he has lost many relationships through this.
See, being stubborn and bull-headed is like biting the hand that feeds you. The only people who can rescue you from self-righteousness become so totally discouraged about your stubborn heart, they eventually leave you to be wise in your own conceit. The fastest way to destroy a man is to give him up to his own sin. That’s what God does to hardened sinners according to Romans 1.
Finally, to maintain life-giving speech, we must avoid nagging. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” Nagging actually comes from the same root word as that of ‘gnawing.’ Gnawing is a process of biting into something until it is worn away and breaks down. That’s almost exactly the idea behind nagging – it seeks to wear down the resistance of another by a continual, annoying, verbal gnawing.
Nagging happens because either the nagger finds it easier to nag instead of addressing why the other person does not respond, or because the person they’re nagging doesn’t show any interest or response to normal communication. Either way, nagging is wrong – it is a destructive, and not a constructive, force. What needs to happen is open, honest, purposeful and responsible communication. Nagging is another manipulative tactic, as it tries to get something done apart from the hard work that real communication entails.
- Godly speech is sensitive to the fact that communication is more than words.
Communication involves your whole being – not just the audible words that come out of your mouth. The way you say something changes the meaning. The very emotion in my voice can suggest enthusiasm or reluctance when I say the word ‘yes.’ My tone of voice can suggest defiance, delight, sarcasm, acceptance. It’s not enough to say, ‘I said what I said,’ because communication involves much more than words.
We all know this from interpreting the non-verbal cues from others. Your facial expressions, your hand gestures, your tone of voice, the volume of your voice, all have a meaning. Sighing when the other is speaking or when replying has a whole message of its own. Snorting, or a sarcastic chuckle, says a thousand words. Rolling the eyes, grimacing, frowning, all carry meaning. A look of amazement, disgust, or unbelief says volumes.
Even the way you sit or stand – facing the person you are talking to or away from them, folding the arms, maintaining eye contact versus looking away, slouching in your chair versus sitting up – all carry messages about what you think of what’s being said, if you’re truly interested in communicating, if you even believe what you are saying.
Godly communication will seek to express what it wants to with appropriate non-verbal actions. God-pleasing communication takes some effort – and those who wish to have the good fruit of biblical communication must be prepared to put in the concentrated effort it requires.
So the seven characteristics of godly speech are: it must be truthful, it must be purposeful, it must be clear, it must be well-timed, it must be pure, it must be healthy and life-giving, and it must be accompanied with an awareness of the fact that communication involves more than just words. We come now to the final aspect of biblical communication.
Common understanding
If there has been active listening, and there has been godly speaking, common understanding will follow. Misunderstandings result from poor listening, which means things have to be repeated and re-phrased, and arguments develop over what was meant and said, or not said.
Godly speech clarifies and directs information purposefully and concisely to where it needs to go. It will avoid provoking fleshliness in the other person, and so, bring health and life.
So it is safe to say that achieving a common understanding depends on active listening and godly speech. You may occasionally achieve understanding without it, but it will be infrequent, and the normal pattern will be conflict, misunderstanding and a lot of wasted communication.
When two parties come to a common understanding – when they understand both what was meant by the other person, and have correctly conveyed their meaning across so that the other person understands their meaning – communication has taken place. Communication does not always mean agreement – it means the clear conveying and receiving of messages as they were intended.
However, biblical communication is one of the foundations of resolving disagreements. Poor communication becomes a disagreement in itself and tends to magnify and compound smaller conflicts. The book of James gives us the kind of wisdom that allows for understanding to be reached efficiently and effectively. It is the environment in which understanding thrives, in which resolving disagreement is the norm, not the exception.
But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
James 3:14-18
James says the kind of so-called wisdom that some have is actually devilish and sensual – it only causes strife due to its selfishness, one-upmanship and desire to be first all the time. In contrast, James gives us another seven characteristics of the kind of wisdom which will cause common understanding and a Christlike spirit to prevail. In this environment, active listening and godly speech are encouraged, causing a cycle of communication which glorifies God.
This kind of wisdom is:
- Spotless
The Greek word suggests it is very pure, extremely clean chaste and sacred. This is not a heart dabbling in worldliness, living a lukewarm Christian life. No, this heart desires to follow after holiness. It seeks to be pure, and to purify others.
- Serene
It is peaceable. It loves to bring peace. Proverbs 17:34 tells us not to strive without cause: “The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water, therefore leave off contention before it be meddled with.” A wise heart seeks to resolve conflict and disagreement. This wisdom is not looking for a fight, it is looking for ways to avoid a fight. Not avoid the issue that needs to be discussed, but avoid ways of causing the issue to boil over into conflict. It does not take statements emotionally and personally and immediately react – for it loves peace, it does not love scoring points.
- Soft
It is gentle and mild, filled with moderation and self-control. It can control its volume, its body language, its responses – because it is under control. That way, it can stick to solutions, it can be purposeful and clear, without being bogged down in defending its own rights and reputation. It is the spirit that sets a watch over its lips, it does not let rip with fire, with the speakings that pierce like a sword. It knows it is responsible to give life with its tongue, and so applies words like it would apply a bandage to a wound, with care and gentleness. Still, soft, self-controlled.
- Supple
It is humble and easy to talk to. It wants to change, it wants to obey, it wants to sacrifice for another. In contrast to the stubborn man, it welcomes correction as a means of growth. It is compliant, and can receive correction in the spirit it was given. Indeed, it can even learn from correction if it is not given in a good spirit.
- Sympathetic
It is merciful and righteous. It is full of a desire to forgive, to extend grace to the other person, and bless them with the fruit of righteous behaviour – which is love, joy, peace, kindness and so on. The wisdom that encourages communication does not hold grudges or withhold forgiveness, it delights to give mercy and encourage the other person if they have fallen.
- Sure
It is not marred by being double-minded, with secret agendas or hidden plans. It lacks favouritism. To put it positively, it has integrity. It deals with people as they are, with an open heart and an honest attitude. What you see is what you get.
- Sincere
It lacks hypocrisy. It is not hiding behind masks to impress others. It is sincere, open and honest. It is not trying to look holier than it is, or pretending to be wiser than it is, it is simply being itself around you.
This kind of sevenfold wisdom allows communication the environment it thrives in. It is spotless, serene, soft, supple, sympathetic, sure and sincere.
Biblical communication is possible since God is a communicator. However, He wants us to cleanse our hearts, so that out of the abundance of our clean hearts, our mouths may speak. From there, we must practice active listening, godly speaking and the seven-fold wisdom that brings common understanding. May God help us to use His Word as our final authority and guidebook as to how to communicate in marriage, the family, the church and everyday life.