Biblically, forgiveness is not a feeling. It is the cancellation of an unpayable debt. It shuns bitterness (settled anger), and pursues peace (Rom 12:18).

We are forgiven because God forgives, and we are to forgive as God forgives.

When You Are the Offender

Firstly, seek forgiveness from God. (I John 1:9) EXAMPLES of people who recognised that horizontal sin was a sin against God – Joseph, David, the prodigal.

Confess the sin to the person you wronged and ask for forgiveness (Matthew 5:23-24). Reconciliation takes priority over public worship.

Don’t use the following phrases:

• “I’m sorry, I apologise.” While this can be sincere, it may simply be an expression of regret. You can say those things and not be taking responsibility.
• “If I offended you, I’m sorry.” This is not a sincere expression of seeking forgiveness because you are denying that you see the reality of the offence and throwing it back at them.
• “Yes, I did wrong, but only after you wronged me.” This is a lack of sincerity.

State the offence in terms the other party would agree with. “God has shown me I was wrong when I _____. Will you please forgive me?” Confess = ‘to say the same thing.’ ILLUSTRATION: Assaulting someone & saying “I wasn’t very nice.”

State the basic or root offence as well as the more obvious offence.

Confess the sin as widely as the offence. Confession only opens up to include others when the sin is more public. E.g. parents arguing in front of children, shoplifting that becomes public, adulterous affair.

If your sin has broken an agreement you made with your employer, your school/college – confess to them as well.

Be willing to accept corrective measures. True repentance does not negotiate the consequences of your action. Consequences may include:

• Restitution – paying back what you have taken or destroyed. This also includes taking the initiative to rebuild or restore the relationship as far as is possible and appropriate.
• Restriction e.g. Adam & Eve, Moses, David.
• Radical Amputation. Cutting off influences or severely limiting oneself to prevent recurrences.

Rationalisations to avoid reconciliation:

• “It happened a long time ago”
• “The one I wronged has moved away”
• “It was such a small offence”
• “Things have gotten better”
• “I’m just being too sensitive”
• “No one’s perfect”
• “Making it right will involve money I don’t have”
• “I’ll do it later”
• “I’ll only do it again”
• “The other person was mostly wrong”
• “I’ll determine not to do it again in the future”
• “They’re not believers, what will they think?”

When You Are The Offended Party

Release the unpayable debt to God and through God. (Mark 11:25-26; Matt 6:14-15, 18:21-35, Rom 12:17-20). You will be tormented if you do not forgive.

The primary reason that another person needs to be confronted about their sin if they have wronged you is so that they can be restored to fellowship with God. Determine if the offence can be covered in love, or whether it is severe enough to hinder fellowship with God and man.

Pray for his/her good (Matt 5:43-48; Luke 23:46).

Feed your enemy while he is estranged (Rom 12:20-21).

Rebuke him/her in meekness (Gal 6:1, Matt 18:15, Luke 17:3-4).

Don’t add to the offence in how you say things.

Do not do it so that he/she ‘will know how I’m feeling’ or ‘to get it off my chest.’ Do it because he/she is out of fellowship with God and needs your rebuke to assist him/her to get back.

Consider Biblical examples of rebukes – Abigail, David with Saul, Nathan with David, God with Cain.

You cannot extend forgiveness to them until the person asks for it.

If the person refuses to hear you, take another person with you (Matt 18:16).

If the person repents, forgive him. Say so in those words, “I forgive you,” not, “It was nothing, forget it.” By saying as much, you are promising:

• I will not bring this sin up again to you or anyone else.
• I will not brood over it (i.e., become bitter by regularly thinking about it).
• I will not try to make you “pay” for what you did.

Remember that this forgiveness is granting it as far as they are concerned, not as far as you are concerned. You have already surrendered your right to get even. Fellowship is restored, but corrective measures may still be necessary. Help the person to face these.

Only if he refuses to be reconciled, must church discipline be applied (Matt 18:17).

The relationship must be rebuilt so that brotherly love is the hallmark (John 13:34-35, 2 Cor 2:5-8).

Vertical Forgiveness vs. Horizontal Forgiveness

Vertical Forgiveness	Horizontal Forgiveness
Releasing the unpayable debt before God and for God’s sake.	Making the repentant offender aware that the debt is cancelled and the wedge preventing fellowship is removed.
Done in prayer (Mark 11:25-26)	Done in personal confrontation (Luke 17:3-4)