The idea of self-esteem and self-love is a doctrine that was unknown in Christianity before the 1950s. With the teachings of Eric Fromm, Carl Rogers, Sigmund Freud, as well as evolutionary and existentialist teachings, it became commonplace in modern culture that a lack of self-love causes many of our problems.

Biblical Problems with Self-Esteem Teaching

1. The silence from the Scriptures.
2. The act of self-worship condemned Rom 1:22-23, Ps 115:1.
3. Rivalry – supposedly success in one area will boost self-esteem. Eccl 4:4.
4. An excuse for boasting Prov 27:2, Prov 25:27. What is the difference between ‘positive self-thoughts’ and boasting? It is merely a word-game. 1 Cor 4:6-7 tells us what we should do with our success.
5. Increased man-fearing and man-pleasing.
6. It contradicts the doctrine of conviction. Lk 18:13.
7. Abused idea of unconditional love. A child who expects perpetual positive affirmation from God, others, and self, will feel betrayed by God, will be let down by others, and will never rightly perceive himself. For example, the child who has been “unconditionally accepted” and told how wonderful he is (even when he isn’t) all through his school years might find that his employer will not unconditionally accept him when he is lazy and unproductive at work.
   While we are unconditionally accepted by God in justification, sanctification is both linked and separate. We can please and displease God. We are supposed to desire change within the knowledge that God has accepted us.
8. The biblical warning against self-love in 2 Timothy 3:1-2.
9. The biblical statement of Ephesians 5:29. The reason we feel contempt for self is when our appearance, behaviour or actions displease us. The only way we could be displeased about a defect in ourselves is if we had an innate (and often idolatrous) love for self. If we really hated ourselves, then defects in ourselves would cause us pleasure and delight. We hate something about ourselves precisely because we have an inextinguishable love for self. Even the one contemplating or committing suicide is doing so because of a deep love for self, manifested in a desire to end pain or escape.

What about Matthew 22:39?

• There is no command—real or implied—in Matthew 22:39 to love yourself.
• Both Jesus and Paul assumed that sinners have an in-built instinct to seek their own best, and used that instinct to teach Christians how to love others.
• The self-love promoted by psychology—an emotional affection for self—is not under consideration in Matthew 22:39.
• The self-love movement contradicts Matthew 22:39, teaching people to be more preoccupied with themselves than with others.

Aren’t we valuable to God?

Matthew 6:26: Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

Matthew 10:31: So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

We are, but these statements are supposed to cause us security that God knows our worth and will care for us. It is not there to bolster deeper affection for self.

Aren’t we made in God’s image?

We are, and this is cause for humble reflection, not boasting. We have innate dignity, though we are fallen. We should therefore marvel and tremble at the human condition. (Ps 8:3-6, Ps 139:14)

Genesis 9:6: Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his blood shall be shed, for in the image of God He made man.

James 3:8-10: But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

Didn’t Jesus die for us because we were so valuable to God?

Christ did not die for men because they were intrinsically worth dying for, but because He is intrinsically love … (Miracles, 52)

What do we do with self-loathing, apparent self-hatred, and feelings of depression brought about by anger and distaste for self?

1. Show that low self-esteem is not the problem. Self-love is present and permanent.
2. Ask why these feelings are present. Is there some sin to confess?
3. Deal with guilt wrongly responded to (see previous lesson).
4. Point out where self-deprecation is sometimes an attention-getting strategy. Self-pity is pride licking its wounds and asking others to join in.
5. Look for what is clothed as ‘low self-esteem’ as other sins in its garb: discontentment, unbiblical expectations, ingratitude, poor judgement of oneself, unwillingness to accept truth about oneself.
6. Teach the priority of God-focus over self-focus.
7. Look for pride in reverse – the attempt to garner pity, help or sympathy by wallowing in supposed self-disdain.
8. Teach accurate self-evaluation (Rom 12:3). False humility obscures truth.

What about a child who has been ground down by constant negative harangues from his parents—”Failure, failure, failure. You’ve always been a failure and you’ll always be a failure!”—how do you handle that?

Such children also need to be taught to evaluate themselves accurately and objectively based on God’s word.

Jay Adams:
“But what of the child who has been berated time and again by his parents; who has been told in a hundred ways that he is worthless; who is constantly criticized and condemned?” The principle does not change …. If he believes what he is told, then that is what he is—a weak person dependent upon others for self-evaluation. And, that is one way in which the counselor must help him to change …. Somewhere in the course of his life he must be confronted about his wrong responses, counseled about God’s way of handling abuse, and helped to do so. (Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 149)

Point:
The greatest help you can offer a browbeaten child is not bolstering his self-esteem as if he and his inner strength were the answer to his problem. True help is turning him to God, teaching him to evaluate himself objectively by God’s word, refusing to view himself through the lens of his parents’ exaggerated invectives.

9. Teach the joy of self-forgetfulness instead of self-focus. Because of sin, self-awareness is often your enemy, not your friend.
10. Do not teach position in Christ as a ‘Christian version’ of self-talk and self-esteem. Position in Christ is there to drive us to communion with God and deeper likeness to Him, not a form of self-affirmation.