The Bible says that children are a heritage or a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3).

Someone has pointed out the difference between raising children and training them. Raising children is simply meeting their basic needs, and allowing their own inclinations to guide them. Training is setting the course for them as guided by the Word of God, and seeing that they stick to it. Children need training, or their own sinful hearts will train them to be rebellious.

Children can go their own way, and the parents will not be held responsible (Ezekiel 18:20). On the other hand, the largest source of influence in a child’s life is his or her parents.

The Bible is clear on a child’s natural state:

• Foolishness is bound up in the heart (Prov 22:15)
• A child ‘trained’ according to his own inclinations will not change in later life (Prov 22:6)
• A child left to himself brings shame (Prov 29:15)
• Children are supposed to be enjoyed (Prov 29:17). Sadly, many parents, because of the lack of submission to God in their own hearts and a lack of discipline in their own lives have children who are out of control. Such parents cannot enjoy their children, they can only try to keep up with endlessly amusing them, distracting them or pumping them full of sedative-type drugs.

Therefore, parenting is deliberate structuring, coaching, mentoring of a young person to go the way of pleasing the Lord.

Parenting is first and foremost, evangelism and discipleship. It is evangelising a child’s heart to lead them to repentance and faith, and then training them to walk as obedient servants of Christ.

One can think of this evangelism and discipleship falling into four stages.

1) Instruction

Through all of life, parents are to be teaching children about the Lord – of His holiness, of the Gospel of grace, of our responsibilities to God.

Fathers in particular are told to be raising children with the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). If this instruction does not occur, the generation to come forgets God with dire consequences (Ps 78:2-8, Judges 2:10-11).

Instruction must be based on God’s Word. It must not be impossible to keep, arbitrary or unclear. Communicate clearly what is expected.

This instruction is both a continual verbal instruction (Deut 6:7), and an instruction by example. One’s own fervent relationship with Christ teaches more than words can ever do. A child does not need to learn disobedience from their parents, they have it in their own hearts. But when they see their parents disobeying God’s Word, it authorises their own rebellion.

2) Supervision

Unless sinful hearts are watched, their latent inclination is to please themselves and disobey. Parents are not only to insist upon obedience to God’s Word, they are to see that obedience practised. To speak without the expectation of obedience is to teach children that God’s Word can be heard and not obeyed. Supervision is making sure a child obeys, and obeys in the way God expects.

Eli is a tragic example of a parent who instructed, but never supervised nor saw his instruction through (I Sam 2:22-25, 29). Sadly, David was the same with similar results (I Kings 1:6).

• Parents are to teach and expect immediate obedience. Delayed obedience is disobedience. God does not accept obedience on our time, for then we have not submitted.
• Parents are to teach and expect cheerful obedience from the heart. Grudging obedience, reluctant, murmuring obedience, selfish obedience are not the kind that God accepts, and neither should parents. God does not want obedience to merely the letter, but from the heart. This is what parents are to seek from children.

As children obey, parents should praise them when appropriate, and teach that righteousness is its own reward. Avoid ‘bribing’ children.

Negatively, parents must not exasperate their children (Col 3:21, Eph 6:4). This happens when children are told to do things they are not capable of doing, or when parents correct or speak to them in a degrading fashion. Likewise, when parents are hypocrites, impossible to please, inconsistent in their expectations or distant – it will exasperate.

3) Correction

The Bible insists upon consequences for sin. Rebellion is to result in physical discipline. This is not abuse, it is a loving desire to break the rebellious will (Prov 13:24).

It is a measured, controlled act of chastening for the purpose of causing sorrow for sin, a sense of negative consequences, respect for authority and repentance from the heart.

It is to be immediate (Eccl 8:11). Without immediate and appropriate responses, the sinful heart begins to think it can ‘get away with it’.

It is not to falter for fear of upsetting the child (Prov 23:13-14).

It is to be consistent – the same actions should have the same consequences. To discipline an action one day, and then allow it the next, will exasperate a child, and cause resentment (Eph 6:4).

It is not to be done in anger (Prov 19:18), and should ideally end with reconciliation to God and man in prayer and repentance.

4) Prayer

Parents must pray much for their children. They must pray firstly for their salvation, that God would draw them to Christ. They must continually pray for their child’s will to be bent towards the Lord.

They must pray for wisdom for themselves, to know how to train their children for Christ. They must cry out to God for strength to be the kind of examples that children will follow.