Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.

He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
(Eph 5:25-30)

John Maxwell wrote a book called the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. He calls law number 1 the Law of the Lid. He means that leadership ability is the lid that determines potential effectiveness. The higher the individual’s ability to lead, the greater the effectiveness; the lower the leadership, the lower the lid on the potential.

That’s true for organisations, it’s true for governments and nations, it’s true for local churches, and above all, it’s true for families. A family will go no further for God than the spiritual effectiveness of its leader. A family will be no stronger spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically that the leadership of its leader allows.

And who is the leader of the family? The answer is – the husband is.

We read in verse 23 of Ephesians 5: “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Likewise, we read “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (1Co 11:3)

The husband is the leader of the wife, and if God blesses, the final leader of the children as well. How he leads his home is largely the explanation for the spiritual state of his wife and his children. He cannot make all the choices for them, but he will be accountable for many of their choices.

Regarding the husband’s leadership, he must first see that his leadership is commanded. It is expected, as we clearly see in this Scripture. When he abdicates this responsibility, and allows or forces his wife to lead, he is violating God’s pattern. He cannot claim Ephesians 5:21 as an excuse to say, ‘but we must both submit to each other’. Christ submits to the church in the sense that He meets its needs, but He does not follow the church. Likewise, the man is to meet his wife’s needs, but he is to lovingly lead her. Poor leadership in the home causes great strain and resentment from the wife.

Secondly, his leadership is limited. He is not the final authority over the wife, Christ is. Thus He seeks to represent Christ to her in his leadership of her. He is a steward of his wife, not an owner. She belongs to God. He cannot expect that her obedience be to him above that of Christ. These passages in Ephesians keep emphasising who the human authority figure represents, and it represents the ultimate authority – Christ.

Thirdly, his leadership is not the goal. Whenever a leader makes his leadership the final goal, he will get sidetracked. Certainly we must focus on our leadership and seek to improve it, but it is not an end in itself. It is the tool we use.

Someone defined spiritual leadership as, ‘knowing where God wants people to be, and then taking the initiative to get them there by God’s means’. That’s leadership – it is not assuming a position and loving your position. Husbands must not love to rule, they must rule to love.

But with that in mind, we plunge into this Scripture on the husband’s role. And though he is to lead his wife, notice the passage does not repeat the command – ‘lead, lead, lead’. It assumes that a man understands this is his role in marriage. It instead commands ‘love, ‘love, and ‘love. Four times in this passage the husband is told to love his wife. And he is told to apply this love for a specific purpose, to get her to a place spiritually; he is told to do this for his own joy.

So let’s look at the first aspect of his leadership. He is to be a:

Servant Leader – One who Leads Lovingly

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”

The Bible did not choose to zero in on submission for the wife as the most pressing responsibility in her involvement in the marriage; the Bible chooses to zero in on love for the husband. God knows where we are weak, and probably if He had said, ‘Husbands provide for your wife’ all husbands would have silently congratulated themselves on being such fine husbands. But he doesn’t. He emphasises love – something husbands are often not very good at. He then raises the bar of that love to an incredibly high place – love as Christ loved the church.

Now that’s an incredibly daunting thought. Husbands, the Bible is saying, your love for your wives must portray to her how much Christ loves her. You are to be a channel of Christ’s love to her. You must not mar the picture of how much Christ loves her – and indeed, how much He loves you.

How does He love us? Christ’s love is:

Initiated

“Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (1Jo 4:10)
We love him, because he first loved us. (1Jo 4:19)

Christ did not wait for our overtures toward Him. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. In the same way, husbands, you must be the initiator of love. You must pursue her far more than she does you. You must initiate prayer and Bible study. You must suggest going to church, not wait for her to. You must ask her how she is doing spiritually before she asks you. You must outdo her in love. You must always beat her to it in terms of showing appreciation, praise or honour.

Sacrificial

‘he gave Himself for it’. The Lord Jesus loved us to the expense of His own life. Philippians 2:5-9 tracks the downward move of the Son of God as He gave up things so as to purchase our salvation. He gave up His divine appearance; He gave up His reputation; He gave up the honour of the angels worshipping Him; He gave up the riches of heaven for the poverty of Nazareth, He gave up comfort for scorn, a beating, nails and a crown of thorns, He gave up fellowship with His Father. This He did, Hebrews 12:2 tells us, for the joy that was set before Him. But He suffered like no one ever has or ever will for His Bride.

Men do you love sacrificially? Do you surrender your personal time, comforts to commune with your wife? Do you give up your own selfish rights in a conflict to work it out for her good? Do you sacrifice of your self to pray for her; to know the Word so as to help her? Do you work diligently so as to provide for her and the home?

Sacrificial love is enduring personal loss or discomfort for the ultimate well-being of your wife. Selfishness is postponing or neglecting the necessary loss for personal comfort or gain. Sacrificial love is doing whatever is necessary for the good of your beloved.

Verbalised

The Lord Jesus Christ did not leave it to us to find out if He loved us. He has told us again and again.

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (Joh 13:34)
“As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. (Joh 15:9)

Jesus verbalised His love. We are to as well. If you feel embarrassed to say, “I love you” then you must practise doing it until you are not embarrassed any more. Loving your wife verbally means telling her you appreciate her, thanking her, speak well of her to others. Give her words of encouragement; let her know when she does well. It means you verbally lift her up – your communication ministers grace to her.

Actualised

Jesus did not merely love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. He willingly died on the cross for us. His love was practically demonstrated. So husbands are to love their wives in practical, outward ways.

It obviously includes the providing for her physical needs. But it goes way beyond that. It means being with her and involving her – planning time together. It means deliberately treating her as special compared to others, being chivalrous, opening doors. It means planning dates. It means showing her physical affection. Buying her something she likes. Your love is not supposed to be a puzzle, or a mystery, but a clearly obvious, tangible thing. It must be one of those things in her life which she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Compassionate & Tender

We read in Matthew: “A bruised reed shall he not break, and [a smouldering wick] shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory. (Mat 12:20)

If there is one thing we see about the Lord Jesus, it is His compassion. When His disciples were talking about sending people away, He was talking about feeding them. When they were telling blind men to be quiet, He was calling them to Himself. A husband is to be compassionate and tender.

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”(Col 3:19)

Husbands are not to be harsh with their wives; they are to be compassionate, tender, sympathetic with weakness, gentle, patient. Husbands do not need to be sharp with their wives. They do not need to cut her off in a discussion, or dismiss her, or shout her down, or be cold and disinterested in her concerns.

Enduring

This kind of love is not to be a once off situation, because for how long does Christ love us?

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. (Jer 31:3)

And the question is asked, “How do we endure in love?” The answer is forgiveness, continual, seventy times seven forgiveness. Every day, the slate is clean, love thinketh no evil, love keeps no record of wrongs. Forgive when it is asked for. Forgive when it is not.

This is servant leadership – lovingly leading. It is the way Jesus loves us. Jesus lovingly led us by washing feet and dying on a cross. He initiated, it was sacrificial, it was verbalised, it was actualised, it was compassionate and tender and it was enduring.

In short, you must allow Christ to love her through you. Yield yourself to the Spirit of God to obey the Word of God, so that the Son of God may love her through you.

But the passage goes further than saying love your wives as Christ loved the church. It tells us more: “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” The Lord Jesus lovingly gave himself for the church so that He might cleanse it, sanctify it – set it apart for Himself, with the washing of water by the word. In other words, Jesus had a goal for the church. We said that spiritual leadership is knowing where God wants people to be, and then taking the initiative to get them there by God’s means’. We learn from that, that the love of a husband has a goal in mind. The goal is to make his wife more like Christ. He is charged with her relationship with Christ, and He is to guide her to greater spiritual growth. A man’s greatest disciple is his wife, followed by his children. So he is not only to be a servant leader that leads lovingly, he is also to be a:

Shepherd Leader – One who Leads Purposefully

A shepherd is a picture of a loving leader that seeks the care and nourishment and wellbeing of his sheep. The husband is to be a shepherd leader. He is to be marked out above all by love, but this love is directed toward a goal – the goal of her loving the Lord Jesus Christ more.

A shepherd knows where he is going. You cannot lead your wife, if you do not know where you are to take her. Have it clear in your mind, that the goal for her is that she would come to love the Lord her God with all her heart, soul, and mind, and thereby be changed into His image. What are some qualities of a shepherd leader? Once again, behold Christ’s example:

• A shepherd-leader leads by example

And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. (Joh 10:4)

Cattle are driven from behind; sheep are led from the front. If you want your wife to love God, and be Christlike, be sure to be working on that yourself to stay ahead. All too many men are lagging behind their wives spiritually. You should be reading your Bible, knowing God, praying, obeying, and working on your own life. Be above reproach.

• A shepherd-leader is involved

I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. (Joh 10:14)

A shepherd is involved. He knows his sheep. He is with them. Husbands are to be involved with their wives. That means listening. It means seeking to understand her.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”(1Pe 3:7)

The word ‘dwell’ means to actively be at home with her. Do not simply be around your wife – live with her. How? ‘According to knowledge’. Know her. The only way you know her is by seeking to understand her. Ask her about herself, her day, and her activities. Then listen, pay attention. Have time to talk about her concerns, pray with her and for her. Assist her in some of her tasks so you can know what is involved. Observe her. Look, listen, watch.

Also, plan time to be alone together. Assist her, and let her know how she can assist you. When you share your activities and ministries – you know each other.

It is only as we do this, that we give honour to her as the weaker vessel. Only a loving shepherd forgets about himself and his time to try to know his sheep.

• A shepherd-leader instructs

“…he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”(Psa 23:3)

A shepherd actively seeks to guide the sheep to where he wants them to go. He knows the direction and the goals. So he oversees, instructs and guides. He watches his wife’s spiritual life, her relationships, her ministries and her physical wellbeing. And then he provides instruction and guidance. When she is failing, or weak, or disobedient, he provides necessary rebuke, correction, encouragement.

He is to be the one that selects what they will do for devotions, for prayer together, for ministry together. He must watch trends in her life that seem negative and correct them. He must be willing to stand firm where necessary, because leadership requires that – the sinful nature does not automatically enjoy being denied. But if he oversees in a tender, sensitive way, then those negative times of correction, and reproof will be the exception rather than the rule.

• A shepherd-leader provides and protects.

The psalmist says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want’. A shepherd provides physically, as well as emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You place the food on the table physically and spiritually.

But the shepherd also protects: I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep. The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep. (Joh 10:11-13)

We are to protect our wives. Certainly we must seek to protect them from physical harm, but also spiritual harm – worldly influences, materialism, unhealthy friendships, false teaching. God does the ultimate providing and protecting, but He administers it through diligent, responsible husbands, much of the time.

Now there is one more aspect of a husband’s leadership that we see:

“That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. (Eph 5)

Here is the logic of this passage: Jesus loved the church and died for it, so that He could sanctify and wash it, so that He could present it to Himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle but holy and without blemish. Here’s the implication: a husband is also to be a:

Satisfaction-Seeking Leader – One who Leads Happily

As I read certain marriage books, they emphasise unselfishness and that’s good coming from the self-centred culture we are in, but few of them truly square with this passage. This passage says basically – men, love your wives as much as you love yourself. You don’t hate yourself; you nourish and cherish your own body. You shield it from cold, you bandage up wounds; you feed it, clothe it and rest it. You have a natural self-interest which is God-given, without which you could not survive.

The Bible is saying, men – your wives are now members of your own bodies. You are one flesh. Remember Adam’s words:

“This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” (Gen 2:23)

Here’s the implication- you don’t ever hate yourself do you? No. You enjoy doing yourself good, don’t you? Yes. Then do yourself good, and love your wife. If you love your wife, you love yourself. Let your wife-interest be as strong as, or stronger than, your self-interest. Why? For the same reasons as Christ – so He could present to Himself a glorious wife. When you seek to be a servant leader and a shepherd leader, your goal is her growth in Christ, because when she is that way, she will be an even greater blessing to you. This is not selfishness, this is love. Seek her joy as your own. Be joyful as she finds joy in God, and know that as she does, it will double your joy.

There is a crucial difference between self-interest and selfishness. Self-interest is what we all have all the time. We are at all times seeking happiness – what is good, what is helpful to us. This is what God refers to when He says, “love your neighbour as you love yourself’ but selfishness is putting this self-interest ahead of others. Selfishness is not seeking to please myself. It is seeking to please myself at the expense of, or in neglect of, or more than I seek the joy of others, and of God.

We all seek joy – without exception. The Bible is very open about this. The question is – will we seek it in the joy of our wives, or in our own private joy? God has not called us to private joy. He has called us to seek joy with all of our hearts, but in the joy of nourishing and cherishing our wives.

Unselfishness is not denying your own happiness. It is choosing to find happiness in the spiritual joy of another. That is how God designed love between humans – love your neighbour as you love yourself. Seek the joy of other people as your own. It is delighting in the spiritual delight of another. It is making your happiness that of someone else’s.

Put it this way – seek your satisfaction in your wife’s satisfaction. If you seek to please yourself in neglect of your wife, she suffers, and it comes back to you as suffering, and the little happiness you got out of pleasing yourself is short-lived. But if you seek her joy in Christ as your own, it comes back to you double. You are satisfied in her spiritual progress, she is loved, and returns back to you love and honour and affection.

So husbands are not to deny their own joy. They are to move the source of their joy away from their own private little interests and hobbies, and focus it on the joy of their wives.

The Lord nourishes and cherishes the church – because we are members of His body, of his bone and flesh, like Adam said of Eve. So husbands are one flesh with their wives. They must seek the joy of their wives as naturally as they seek their own, till their wives unhappiness is their unhappiness, their wives’ joy is their joy. That’s the kind of oneness God has with us, and it’s the kind of oneness God wants in marriage.

So husband – seek your wife’s joy in God with all the vigour that you seek your own joy – and let that become your joy. In so doing, you will be a leader who leads with gladness. Leaders are supposed to lead with gladness, not sadness. Peter says that elders are to lead willingly, not by compulsion. Hebrews 13:17 tells believers to obey their spiritual leaders so that they can lead with joy. The passage says – it would not be to your advantage if they lead with groaning and without joy. A glad, joyful leader in the home portrays what is true – God is worthy, and more than able to meet every human spiritual, emotional and physical need.

That’s the example, men. We are to lead our wives, but only as Christ led the church. He led lovingly, like a servant. He led purposefully, like a shepherd. And He led gladly, for the joy that was set before Him, the joy of presenting us to Himself perfect.

It really comes down to this command: “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”(1Jo 4:11)