When God first made man on the earth, He founded something which would be the best picture of Christlikeness, and the best environment for nurturing it – the family. God could have founded any sort of situation; after all He was starting from scratch with man. He chose to make the family. Marriage – one man, one woman, united together to be a permanent bond. And then, from that bond of unity oneness would come, then children, new people that could now be moulded and shaped in that environment of Christlikeness.

In that home, God would have his clearest pictures of Himself – Christ’s relationship to His people shown in marriage. God as a Father and we, His children, are shown in the role of the parents. Our spiritual relationship to other Christians is shown in having brothers and sisters. When the family is not what it should be, a person’s view of God will not be what it should be. Moreover, it’s in that home, that the lessons about obedience, sin, salvation, love, grace, mercy and holiness will be taught. The family was meant to be an incubator for salvation and sanctification.

But sadly, the average home is more of an object lesson in selfishness and worldliness, rather than Christlikeness. The truths about our God, as seen in Ephesians, are blurred, obscured and distorted in homes where everyone lives to please themselves.

Paul is looking at the walk of harmony, and he dives right into the topic of marriage. Carrying over the theme of how Spirit-filled people are servants, how they submit to the needs of others, he writes: Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. He first deals with the responsibility of the wife, and then with the husband, and tops it off by describing the wonderful harmony, the oneness that marriage brings, a picture of the greatest oneness of all – that of God and His people.

Harmony in marriage comes from both people taking up their roles unselfishly. If the husband lovingly leads sacrificially; if the wife lovingly follows submissively, then the husband feels significant, the wife feels secure, the children feel safe and there is harmony. There is oneness. You are as at home with one another as you are with yourself, but yet you are not lonely. Only in God’s kingdom does 1+1=1.

But this oneness only comes when each person, in dependence on the Holy Spirit, unselfishly takes up the role God gave them, for the good of the other person. Most problems in marriage can be solved by working out the responsibilities of each person through the roles God has given. When you know what you are supposed to be, you can work out what you are supposed to do. So what is a wife to be?

The Purpose of the Wife

The Bible speaks very highly of the wife:

• Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. (Pro 18:22)
• House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD. (Pro 19:14)

Proverbs 31:10-12: “Who can find a virtuous [excellent] wife? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil [no lack of gain]. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Pro 31:10-12)

It is a high and beautiful role to which a wife has been called.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Pro 12:4)

She is a crown to her husband. She is precious, like a crown made of gold and precious stones. But she also glorifies her husband. A king is known to be a king when he wears his crown. The true strength and nobility of a man is brought out by a virtuous, or an excellent wife. She makes him look like a prince, like a ruler, like a nobleman because of her amazing ministry of servanthood.

God’s purpose for a wife is twofold:

• To be a helper.
• To be a companion

She is to be a helper. We read this in Genesis 2:18: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Gen 2:18)

Adam was made a helper. (‘Help-meet’ is not a noun. ‘Meet’ is 17th century language for ‘suitable’) This helper was suited for him. She would assist her husband; she would make his job easier than it would be without her. She was to be someone who would lighten the load. Using her unique abilities, the wife is to creatively, industriously, diligently, assist her husband in the tasks God has given them. How thrilled Adam must have been to see a partner brought before him. She was going to assist him not like a horse, not like a dog, but as his equal. She would be of one mind, and come alongside him.

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”(Ecc 4:9-10)

Secondly, she is to be a companion.

She was not created to be Adam’s employee; she was created to be his mate, his match, his comrade, his partner in life. Someone pointed out that God, taking a rib from Adam, was instructive as to her place in his life and how he was to treat her. He didn’t take her from his head to rule over him. He did not take her from his feet to trample all over her. He took her from his side. The position of the rib is at his side, to emphasise equality and partnership. It is under his arm to emphasise protection. It is close to his heart to emphasise love.

A companion is a friend. A husband’s best friend should be his wife. Of all people, she is the one he should most want to be with. She is his best confidant, the one he likes to talk to most, joke with, play with, and cry with.

A companion is an encourager. A wife should be her husband’s biggest fan. All day long he deals with people knocking the crown off his head, discouraging him, threatening him. He must come home to a refuge – to a cheerleader, a wife that crowns him.

A companion is an inspiration. Though the husband sets the course, she is to inspire him when his spirits sag. She is there, not adding complaint or murmurs about life, but filling the home with gratitude, a good attitude, a positive outlook.

A companion is a counsellor. Though the wife will follow her husband, she certainly can influence him towards godliness. Like Abigail did with David, her humility, her godly life can be used to convict a husband, to draw him to a closer walk with God.

A helper and a companion. But for this relationship to be one of harmony, the Bible gives a command which rubs many people up the wrong way:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Eph 5:22-24)

We could call this

The Posture of the Wife

God has called the wife to be a helper and a companion, but yet the command God emphasises to the wife is ‘submit’, just like the command God emphasises to the husband is ‘love’. He could have chosen many other commands – ‘be diligent’, ‘be patient’ or ‘be cooperative’, but He chose to say, ‘be submissive’. In other words submission is the posture, it is the way she is a helper, she is a submissive helper, it is the way she is a companion, she is a submissive companion.

What is this thing called submission?

Submission exists because God, who is the Authority, has set the world up to have human authority. In any realm of human life, we submit only because there is a final authority – God. People who refuse to submit to authority are directly or indirectly denying the authority of God Himself. If you do not see why you ought to submit at all, then you do not understand the nature of God, and the nature of yourself as a creature.

That is how He has wired the universe. Authority and submission. You cannot grow in Christ if you refuse God’s order. Life only works when we submit to divinely appointed authority. If you refuse to take authority where He gives it to you; if you refuse to submit where God calls you to submit, you will never make progress in your life spiritually. You cannot disobey God’s command to submit to earthly authority and still be in submission to His authority.

Submission is not just for wives. Children are called to submit to parents. Citizens are called to submit to government. Believers are called to submit to the elders in a church. All of us are told to continually submit to God. So this is not some special burden that wives must carry. It is the submission which we are all familiar with, being worked out in the home. But the fact is, our flesh cannot submit. It refuses to submit.

“Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.” (Rom 8:7-8)

But there is some wonderful encouragement – submission is not at all a negative thing, only our flesh sees it that way. Submission is exceedingly positive. Submission is not unwilling slavery or bondage. It is only the flesh that caricatures submission that way. To the one who understands God’s Laws, submission is quite freeing. “Submission is freedom to be creative under divinely appointed authority.”

I have heard it illustrated this way: Two men fly in a plane at 5000 feet. The one has a parachute, the other one doesn’t. The man without a parachute begins to mock the one who does have – “Ha! Why do you place yourself under bondage to that parachute? Look at me! I’m free! Nothing to hold me back! Nothing to slow me down! I can free-fall as long as I want, you have to pull that silly rip cord of yours! You’re a poor slave to that parachute! You’re dependent on it!” And out he jumps. It sounds like he is freer than the man with a parachute. But in reality, he is not free at all. He is totally in bondage to gravity. He can wave his arms about and grin at the sky, but his supposed ‘freedom’ is a lie. The closer he gets to the ground, the more it dawns on him how little freedom he has, and how he is in fact helpless. The other man has submitted to both the law of gravity, and to his dependence on a parachute. He willingly submits, because he is able to enjoy skydiving. It limits how long he can freefall in the sky, but it lengthens how long he will live on the earth.

Prov 31:10-31 tells us that Submission is actually freedom to be creative under divinely appointed authority. And the wonderful thing is this: submission was exemplified by the Lord Jesus Himself. Jesus submitted Himself to His earthly parents, and then, throughout His ministry, to His heavenly Father. If we study some of His statements about His relationship with the Father, we will have a good idea of what submission is and isn’t.

• Submission does not mean inferiority. Jesus Christ is not inferior or less than the Father. But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. (1Co 11:3)
• Submission is willingly following the instruction, lead and guidance of another. ‘Wives submit yourselves’. The husband is not instructed to ‘make your wives submit’. The husband is instructed to love your wives so as to make submission simple and enjoyable.

“I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.” Jesus willingly subordinated His will to the Father’s will. (Joh 5:30). As such, true submission trusts God and is satisfied with its position.

• A wife’s submission is to be selective – ‘unto your own husbands.’ A wife is to submit to her own husband, not to everyone else’s. She is not obliged to obey the lead or instructions of other men, unless they are in a God-appointed position of authority over her.
• Submission is to be continuous. Verb is present active. It is not something she does at one point in her life, and then it is over. It is not that she submits to become a wife, and then submission is done. It is a daily, continual posture of following; of being a helper and a companion.

“And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.” (Joh 8:29)

How is a wife to be continually submitting to an imperfect, flawed man? The answer is forgiveness. Be longsuffering, forgiving, forbearing. Forgive 490 times. In other words, keep forgiving until it is a habit. Forgive when it is asked for. Forgive when it is not asked for.

• Submission is commanded – this is not an option. Disobedience to this command is disobedience to God. Jesus said, “neither came I of myself [I came not of my own accord], but he sent me.” (Joh 8:42)
• Submission is spiritual – as unto the Lord, Col 3:18, as is fit in the lord. Submission is never finally to a human, because nothing worth obeying is finally from a human. Submission, in so far as it is submission to something that is pleasing to God, can be done to please God Himself. The channel of authority might be a man, but the ultimate recipient would be God. It is a test of love to the Lord. It is a designed submission.

Explanation: Just as Christ is the head of the church, and is Himself its Saviour, so the husband is the head of the wife. So, in the same way that the church submits to Christ, the wives are to submit to their own husband in everything.

• Submission is extensive – ‘subject in everything’. Submission only when it suits us, is really not submission at all. Submission really begins at the point of disagreement. And this submission is to extend to all areas of life.

“Then answered Jesus and said unto them: Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise.” (Joh 5:19)

Jesus did not have His own plans or agendas. He was submissive in all things.

What if the husband asks the wife to do something that is unbiblical or sinful? When his directives contradict the revealed will of God as found in the Bible, at that point she must obey God and not man. Even her disobedience is to be a loving, submissive disobedience, that explains clearly and calmly her reasons for disobedience, assuring him of love and loyalty, and continuing to demonstrate that in many ways.

• Submission is from the heart, not just in deed. When Spirit-filled, submission comes from the heart, not just for expediency or for the sake of less arguing, it comes from desire. There is the desire to please. Therefore, it necessitates love:

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Tit 2:4-5)

Submission from the heart includes respect: “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (Eph 5:33)

Respect. Reverence chooses to overlook faults that are not destructive to him. Respect from the heart means you control what you say to yourself about him, and to him about him.

“Jesus answered, I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me.” (Joh 8:49)

Be His cheerleader. Along those lines, maintain a good attitude in the home. Disrespect usually includes murmuring, complaining, pouting. Respect means being cheerful, and grateful.

• Submission is active. Submission does not mean remission, going into the shadows, allowing your abilities to become dormant.

“But Jesus answered them, My Father worketh hitherto, and I work.” (Joh 5:17)

Proverbs 31 portrays a wife that is industrious, frugal, and diligent. She is trustworthy and dependable. She is a vital, active member in the partnership. Because you are following someone’s lead does not mean you are passive and lazy. Certainly submission responds to a husband’s initiative and lead, but that does not rule out doing things creatively, diligently and independently that would please God and her husband.

• Submission seeks to effect positive change primarily with its life. Submission is primarily exemplary, not verbally instructive. The one in a place of submission is not to point out the problems and prescribe solutions. The one in a place of submission can certainly point out things that need to be addressed, but primarily produces change by example. Submission does not mean she cannot ever give advice or speak up. She can and must be discussing things openly, honestly, lovingly. She must offer suggestions, advice and correction. But her greatest instruction to her husband is going to be her life.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any [even if some] obey not the word, they also may without the [a] word be won by the [conduct] conversation of the wives; While they behold your [pure]chaste [conduct]conversation coupled with fear[respect]. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of [clothes] apparel; But let it be the hidden [person] man of the heart, in that which is [imperishable]not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek [gentle and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any [terror] amazement. (1Pe 3:1-6)

Doing this means maintaining a good spiritual life, loving God as your first love, so that you can model the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. A wife is to keep herself beautiful, especially inwardly. That beauty is what wins over authorities, without a word.

• Submission pursues harmony and unity, not individuality. There is a form of submission that does not seek unity, it just defers. It just doesn’t want an argument or confrontation, so it just defers to keep the peace. In so doing, it is not always seeking oneness; it is sometimes seeking quiet for its own sake.

Jesus said, “I and the Father are One”.

To develop unity – work out differences in private but present like-mindedness in public. Build loyalty in the children. Cooperate in raising children. Show confidence in his decisions.

Unity comes from lovingly fulfilling your role in the way God commanded. God commanded the wife to be a lovingly submissive helper and companion. Her submission was modelled by Jesus Christ. When she submits, she is both following Jesus Christ and submitting to Jesus Christ. And her loving submission is very often the very thing that inspires a man to take up his role as a loving leader.

When wrong – confess your sin to God and him for forgiveness. Ask the Holy Spirit for power to be different. Move out in obedience to the Word of God.